Christmas and Motherhood

It's Christmas time, and it is beautiful in Victoria. There are so many holiday activities, many of them free. Everything is lit up beautifully. But as a Mom, I am realizing new emotions that come with trying to do holiday activities with Rebekah. It is funny how I can get so protective or impatient when I want to do something with or for Rebekah, and it doesn't work out the way I want or think it should. And I am surprised by how hard it is not to get drawn into that competitive parent mindset- like "my child was in line ahead of you- why are you cutting line?" or "hey, that little boy got a balloon- why didn't they give a balloon to Rebekah?". So trivial, and so stupid, but I realize the state of my heart from what I am feeling and responding, and realize quickly that is not the attitude or the direction i want to go in when parenting Rebekah and celebrating the holidays. It is challenging though! Protective Mom mode kicks in so easily it seems-- and Rebekah is not even old enough to realize what is going on yet! I realize how I want to model patience and love to her, even in stressful situations... but how easy it is to go the other direction. I am not a patient person naturally, (really, who is?), but i want to be for Rebekah's sake. I want to model patience, loving our enemies (or those who cut in line ahead of us), and being at peace in overwhelming (or over crowded) circumstances. I've also realized that sometimes i have a desire to relive some happy memory from my childhood, which is fine, but sometimes it can't be forced- for example... I have happy memories of going to "lunch with santa" every year when I was little, with my Mom and my best friend & her Mom. It was fun, and i looked forward to it every year. SO, I saw that they had a "breakfast with santa" here and though that might be fun to go to as well with Rebekah. But, this actually ended up being a bad idea. I finally convinced Kyle to go with me, which he did, but it actually embodied everything he doesn't like (crowds, consumerism, and very loud music), so of course he has a horrible time, which didn't make me very happy. It was so crowded, I didn't even take Rebekah to see Santa, there was probably a 45 minute wait to do that. The only reason I thought of doing it was that they were giving away toys/gifts to each child that saw Santa- and of course i always jump in for "free" stuff. Well, anyways, I did not have fun- due to Kyle's reaction to it, and my own disappointment over not being able to relive my childhood memory, and just that it was not fun (loud, crowded, etc). Rebekah actually seemed to have fun- she liked the incredibly loud cheesy christmas music (so loud you had to shout to be heard while eating the pancakes)- she was tapping her feet to it the whole time. And she had fun playing with toys in a playroom they had there. But she probably would have had just as much fun at home listening to music and playing with her toys. Not that it was wrong to go there.. and it was for a good cause, so I'm glad it was busy. But really, it just makes me rethink my goals and expectations for Christmas, for myself as a Mom, for Rebekah, and for all of us as a family. It is really my first time experiencing Christmas as a mother and thinking about what that means. Last Christmas Rebekah was just a little over a month old, and I was too sleep deprived and overwhelmed by new motherhood to really contemplate it, or even really comprehend that it was my first Christmas as a Mom. So now comes a time of shaping our traditions as a family. And thinking about what is really important. Really, neither me or Kyle are really into the Santa thing, or the idea that Christmas is about getting lots of gifts. But I'm not sure I've completely figured out what I DO want it to be about. And so I'm working on that... I want it to be fun, I want it to be about loving others, I want it to be about enjoying time as a family, and as a Christian I want it to be about remembering how Christmas was started in the first place- celebrating the birth of Jesus. what exactly does all that look like? I don't know. But I think I'm realizing more and more what i don't want it to be like. I don't want it to be about large crowds, consumerism, competing with other parents or children, or making sure that we do all the "right" things or buy the "right" gifts. Sometimes, I am learning though, avoiding all of that can be easier said than done!